Almost everyone dreads having a difficult or challenging conversation. This includes conversations in which we must talk about something that needs to change or has gone wrong, or setting or enforcing limits, delivering unpleasant news, or discussing a delicate subject.
Just thinking about having these conversations with one’s partner, children (particularly adolescent or adult children), relatives, friends, or co-workers—can fill us with anxiety, fear, or stress. It takes up space in our minds and we rationalize reasons to avoid the conversation all together.
You may be hesitant to have these conversations because you worry that the person may react with hurt feelings, defensiveness, crying or have no reaction at all. Because these kinds of conversations can create such discomfort, it is natural and normal to want to avoid having them altogether.
The problem is that if we avoid having the conversation or keep putting it off, it only allows for the challenging situation/ behavior to continue and potentially get worse. We encourage you to be proactive in your approach to having difficult conversations. Providing meaningful feedback supports the individual’s development, encourages positive growth and often leads to ongoing coaching conversations.
Feedback is communicating about past behavior, delivered in the present, to change or influence behavior in the future. Feedback conversations are an important means by which experiences are turned into learning, and nearly anyone can conduct them. Through feedback, you help people become more self-aware. You reinforce strengths and explore challenges. You also help people take responsibility for their actions and their development. Providing timely and specific feedback is a key part of the coaching process.
The Situational Leadership model was developed by Paul Hersey and Ken Blanchard and it is an excellent tool for working through these difficult conversations. This model focuses on how to deliver feedback effectively by concentrating on the specific situations and behaviors, and the impact that these behaviors have on others. The three components are: Situation/ Behavior/ Impact. When you structure feedback in this way, the person will understand precisely what you are commenting on, and why. When you outline the impact of their behavior on others, you are giving them the chance to reflect on their actions and think about what they need to change. This tool also helps you avoid making assumptions that could upset the other person and damage your relationship with them. This success is enhanced when the feedback, which is one-way, is accompanied by an inquiry about intent, which makes the conversation two-way.
Further reading on having difficult conversations & the SBI model:
https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/situation-behavior-impact-feedback.htm
